Full Metal Alchemist, a Crack Story
by Mewcatstehe
Summary: Just some random crack that I though of, no pairings, just insane humor.
1. Fan Club horrors

_**Full Metal Alchemist, a Crack story**_

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Author's note: Basically how it sounds. Any additional notes shall be posted à la fin de l'histoire. ** 1.**

Also, I don't own Full Metal Alchemist, you'll have to trust me on this. Same goes with Final Fantasy... Pokémon too for that matter...

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Once, upon a midnight dreary as Ed pondered weak and weary, Roy burst in randomly to say: "THE POTATOS HAVE ESCAPED!!!" 

"What are you talking about?!? IT'S MIDNIGHT!" A tired Edward screamed at his superior.

"Well I just thought you 'aught to know, but if you don't care I shall take this moment to test your fighting abilities." The flame alchemist sprang forward.

-Commence Final Fantasy Battle Music-

"ATTACK ALCHEMY FIRAGA!"

"Well, if you shout it out like that, I know exactly what you are going to do and- wait, I can't move!"

It was true, due to the crappy imported turn-based system, Ed could not defend him self or even move for that matter. The fire hit him, but luckily he only lost 54 hit points. **2.**

"Now its my turn! ATTACK SUMMON PALM TREE!"

"Charmed." The palm tree stated with a corny British accent.

Now, quite contrary to popular belief, the real Envy crawled in through the window and smacked his look-a-like.

-End of Battle Scene-

"So pip-squeak, if you ever want to see your tooth brush again, join the Exeggutor fanclub TODAY! Join now and receive a free t-shirt and a new towel dispenser!"

Ed stared in amazement of the stupidity of Envy's last statement, before realizing-  
"WHO-ARE-YOU-CALLING-SO-SMALL-THAT-HE-DOESN'T-EVEN-REALIZE-HIS-TOOTH-BRUSH-IS-MISSING?!?"

"Um, you?" Envy smirked.

"What kind of lame threat is that anyways?" Ed fumed.

"Do you REALLY want all of your fan girls to know that you use a Fluffy the Bunny tooth brush? It just gives them another reason to glomp you."

With that, Ed wore his exeggutor baseball cap to central, until Fluffy was safe.

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Okaaaay, so that didn't turn out as well as I planned it would. I was bored, what can I say? This is my first published fanfiction, I will write more too when I have the time. 

Sometimes, I just randomly blurt out foreign languages, usually French, although you may see Japanese and even Korean too.

The odds are the fire would miss due to Edward's shortness.

Please review! Constructive criticism greatly appreciated; remember though, it is supposed to be crack.

Thank you for reading!


	2. Wise Advice

_**Full Metal Alchemist, A Crack Story**_

Whoohoo! My first chapter was a success! Thank you to all three of my reviewers, you all made my day… You know, the day you reviewed. Anyways, prepare yourself for more awesomeness!

I do not own Full Metal Alchemist or The Outsiders. Or Starwars.

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_**Chapter Two**_

**Wise advice**

**"**_To burn, or not to burn, that is the question." _Yes, upon exiting the Elric residence, Roy Mustang was debating whether or not to burn down the topical rainforest or not. Normally, he would not hesitate under such circumstances; he just did what he felt like. Why else do you think there would be a giant desert in North Africa. Think about it. Not because it is a naturally dry climate due to the theory of continental drifts and plate tectonics and the sun's affect on the equator's temperature, but because Roy himself decided to burn down what used to be Atlanta and killed of all of the Pachycephalosauruses. Pachycephalosauri? Pachycephalosaurs'?

Meh, anyways he heard a voice, "Now, jolly young chap, I darest say that isn't a good idea. You know you could kill off many endargered species, such as the hairy-footed emu, or the brazilian-yellow bellied-spotted-diamond back-venomous lama! My word! Think of the children!" **1)**

Unfortunately, the british palm tree was rudely interrupted by a familiar voice of a certain homunculus that camouflaged perfectly on top of the palm tree. "Yeah, Ponyboy! Do it! Don't tell me you're going to let a _tree _stop you! How one-sided is that?" **2)**

"Actually, I was going to anyways, but NO! You HAD to make crappy Outsiders,The reference! So, SHUT UP SODAPOP!"

Riza Hawkeye happened to be walking by, and stopped to examine the situation. "Colonel Mustang, sir! I'm afraid you should be working on your paper work, not ranting about old fashion soft-drinks." She shoved papers into his face.

"Huh? But this is just sudoku puzzles and a few pages from Mae's diary!" Roy protested.

"What did you think we do in the military?" Riza grabbed him by the ear and dragged him all the way back to Central.

Meanwhile, at Central, Mae's noticed his dairy ripped up, among other chaotic desk mess. "NOOOOO!!!! MY SUDOKU PUZZLES!!" Falling to his knees, in a Darth Vader, episode three type manner. **3)**

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**1)** Think about it, first we tell them that Pluto is not a planet, and now that hairy-footed emus have gone extinct? I think not!

**2) **After all, he might happen to have a long-lost-fifth removed-evolutionly mutated cousin living in South America.

**3) **Epidode three? I don't know… I'm not exactly a rabid Star Wars fan.

Thank you for reading again! I know this wasn't that great, but hey, corny radomness is better than none at all! Right? RIGHT???!!?

Please review! -Insert smiley-face here-


	3. Fruit Without a Basket

_**Full Metal Alchemist, A Crack Story**_

No new reviews? Oh well, 'tis no matter. Time for more crackery goodness!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, or any of its anything.

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_**Chapter Three**_

**Fruit Without a Basket**

"It is not what your military can do for you, but what YOU can do for your military!" Roy lectured as he paced back in forth through his office. It would have been a very motivational speech, if anyone was listening. They weren't though, so lets cut to a scene with Ed ranting about the increasing prices of pencils.

-Climatic scene change!!! With a dimmed out screen and  
everything! That is, it would, had this been a movie!-

"I can't believe it! Stores these days! I go to HomeOffice**1) **to try to buy a case of pencils, and they cost two dollars! Its UNBELIEVEABLE!" A furious Elric stopped around his front yard in more furious fury.

"Soo, why did you buy them?" A bored Envy was sitting in a lawn chair, reading a copy of Treasure Island. He wasn't sure which dulled him more.

"Well, I had to buy them!" Ed continued his rant, "My anger-management counselor needs them to take notes with" It was true, 435 broken pencils later, his counselor had finally ran out. That was a lot of notes, "I STILL can't believe how much the prices are increasing!"

"Unlike your height," the homunculus stated.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT HE CAN'T EVEN HOLD A PENCIL BECAUSE IT IS TALLER THAN HIM!!!" Ed screamed with even more anger than he had earlier. He sprang forward, about to commence another battle scene, but, a coconut fell on his head, knocking him on to the grass covered ground.

"Terribly sorry! TERRIBLY SORRY! I can't seem to be able to help that, it is a uncontrollable habit of mine, you see." The talking palm tree planted in the middle of the yard apologized sincerely.

"No problem," An almost unconscious Ed said, voice muffled due to his face being implanted in the ground.

"Finally, some actual entertainment." Envy dropped his book, and reclined his chair, "AL! BRING ME SOME POMAGRANETADE!" **2)**

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**1)** As far as I am aware, this does not exist. If it does, **Disclaimer: **I do not own HomeOffice. If it doesn't, then I do. So there.

**2) **I could have sworn I made this up, you know, instead of lemonade, but apparently, spell check says otherwise. No idea…

Thankyou for reading this far! Please review!


	4. No, There Aren't Any More Fairies

_**Full Metal Alchemist, A Crack Story**_

I sincerely apologize to my readers; I forgot I was even writing this. So, after a delay longer than Envy's hair, I hereby present to you, chapter 4 of our not-so-epic adventure!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Full Metal Alchemist, Naruto, Dave the Barbarian, Star Wars, Devil May Cry, The Legend of Zelda or Final Fantasy. I'd be rich if I did.

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_**Chapter Four**_

**No, There Aren't Any More Fairies**

**Not so long ago, **in a cardboard box, pretty far away if you have to walk, sat the various homunculi, contemplating there latest plan.

"Well, since Envy failed in warping Mustangs might into burning down the rain forest, we need to find something else that's just as diabolical to do." Stated Dante, who lead the meeting.

"I say, that really wasn't the nicest thing to do, now was it?"

"How the chocobo did that tree get here?" Demanded Envy, "Did it walk or something? Go away and eat a turnip!"

"Oh, dear, I seem to get that quite a lot, well, ta-ta for now!" The talking palm tree uprooted his/her/it's self, and scrabbled away by it's roots.

Sloth stood up, as if to say something important, but smacked her head on the roof of the cardboard box, and fell unconscious. Sloth never has anything important to say.

"Well, that emphasizes my point." An annoyed Greed glared at Dante, "Why the _chocobo_ are we holding our meeting, IN A CARDBOARD BOX?" Some people started to pay attention after this outburst. Amazing.

Wrath, seeming to be the only one to notice the oddity of someone being knocked out by cardboard, stared at Sloth's unmoving body in confusion.

"I mean REALLY? Can't we have a cool mansion? Or like, and underground lair like most cool villains?" Greed looked around at his fellow freaks of nature, and directed his attention at the old lady. "If you were the Dante from Devil May Cry, I'm SURE that some of our funding would go to building an awesome mansion, or at least cool weapons or ANYTHING! But nooo, you are the lame Dante from _this_ series."

Lust, being the only one who dared to speak slowly asked, "Uh, were _does_ our funding go, Dante?"

An evil chuckle filled the air as Dante rose to reply, "Our funding you ask? Have you, have all of you, dared question _my _authority over our funding?"

"Yeah," Announced everyone else in the very cramped, brown walled room.

"Oh, I'll tell you where our funding goes; it goes to the most EVIL, SCARY place possible!" She screeched with delight.

"I'm leaving now," Envy stated, "This is stupid," He was about to exit though the small hole, to small for even Ed to pass though comfortably, when Dante roared,

"OUR FUNDING GOES TO TELEMARKETING SCAMS!"

At this, Pride fainted, Lust screamed, and Envy froze in place. Wrath also took this time to raid through Sloth's pockets. He snatched three Subway coupons, a button, and a list of extinct species of fairies, including the Navi brand. Gluttony ate her.

"Oh, yes, that's right," Dante continued. I've also learned several Khoisan languages, **1) **so we can make our escape, and no one would be able to trace us! Think about all the families that would be interrupted during dinner, and forced to switch long distance carriers!" **2)**

With that, the faith many of the members doubled, and continued to serve under Dante. Except for Sloth, she was unconscious at the time of mention, and Lust, who had a good side. Lust ran away to join the Akatsuki, which was, by far, a less evil organization.

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Thank you for reading, if you made it this far!

Reviews are amazingly awesome!

**1)**Yay for the random article button on Wikipedia!

**2)**Evil is it's most deadly form**  
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